Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

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Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.


Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good


Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.


Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.


[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this


Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.


“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.