Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You Might Also Like
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
iPhone X
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more