Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Hitlers gonna hitl

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.