Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Cucumbers Anonymous

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.