*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”