*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
#Caturday
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*