[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I am all good here, 😂😉
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
