Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.