Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
me linking you to my twitter
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.