Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

i want to work in this restaurant

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here