Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.