Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

No, he would not have.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

“The Perfect Relationship”

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*