Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!