Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight