Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic