Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.