Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

Put this video in the Louvre

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

No laws when master is gone

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

Just organising my finances.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb