[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear