Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.