Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

This classic never gets old . . .

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.