Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.