@mrjohndarby

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

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@Shanehasabeard

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

@david8hughes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@noneofyours99

*hears that my 89 year old neighbor is in a nursing home now*

Flashlight, rubber gloves, and off I go for that shower chair!

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

@primawesome

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves