[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.