[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
is nasa ok
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *