Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FKsOuchXIAQ_tDy.mp4

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

thoughts?

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.