Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’