Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

step 6: release the wall snake

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

good work, detective

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I hope Alan is OK

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth