Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

My loaf of bread looks terrified

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.