God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight
[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
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Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”