[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”