Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.