Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Breaking news:

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Sniffing the broccoli

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.