[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
How funny!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
no one likes gloating
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
