Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”