Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]