*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!