@iwearaonesie

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

You Might Also Like

@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@pleatedjeans

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

@stupidityHQ

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

@NewDadNotes

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

@ChickenColeman

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”