I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”