Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

it’s the silliest best thing

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

work smarter, not harder

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?