Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
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I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close