Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

Isn’t