Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
They got a point!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
