Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
How actors in movies eat their food
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?