Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
thanks auntie mary
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here