Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.