Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*bites zombie*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.