[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.