Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…