[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You Might Also Like
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one