Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.