[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.