Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.