Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*