[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*