Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

🤣

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”