Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.