Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Are we there yet?…

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.