Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

ㅤ

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school