Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

that would 100% work on me

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.