Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

why isn’t he texting back

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*