Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Worst perfume name ever.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff