Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Cinematography is my passion

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.