Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

When you’re Kinky but poor

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

ㅤㅤ

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.