Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.