Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

Fluff me with a fork baby

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

I’m going to need a moment here.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*