Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Salad is the decaf of food.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.