Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

😆

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.