Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m going to need a moment here.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
There is no “we” in chocolate.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *