Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The three genders
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My wedding will be open casket.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car