“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.