Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orange is oranging 🟠

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Beware…..