“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Pigeon open mic night.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”