“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
my favorite genre of twitter
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive