“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”