Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
saving face 👀
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
😂😂😂
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.