Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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They’re stuck in your pants?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today