Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You Might Also Like
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!