Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭